Defiance

I hate this.  Fourteen hours tied to an IV every three weeks.  And an additional 18 hours overnight with the line in so that we don’t have to find a new site in my vein the second day. The IV site hurts, my head hurts, and my stomach is unhappy.  And that’s utilizing side effect drugs.  I’ve never particularly wondered “Why me?”  I’ve spent a life time with an immune system that has never been quite right, so in a way, I don’t know anything different.  I’m grateful that when I finally got to an immunologist, she was able to figure out what the problem was and start me on treatment.  I’m grateful that I am now able to have 2 – 2 1/2  relatively good weeks out of three.  I used to not have any good weeks.  But the treatments are long, exhausting and painful, and I wish I didn’t have to do them.  I was so frustrated and sad that I cried half way through today’s infusion of magnesium sulfate.  And then, out of sheer defiance, even though I was running a fever from the 250 ml that had been pumped into my veins, I went to Target on the way home and bought a bath mat and some pretty tops.